A cat has contracted Coronavirus. So, we believe it’s important to understand cats more to convince them not to use this biological weapon against us. We brought in comedian and cat expert, Amanda Gray, to give us the inside scoop on our feline overlords.
Amanda, thank you for filling in as our cat correspondent. We were devastated to hear the news that a cat in Belgium has contracted COVID-19. Will CoronaCat be the next viral sensation?
We just want to check some of your credentials. How many cats do you own?
None. I don’t own them. They don’t own me. It’s a strange relationship. There are two of them in the same flat as me. Does that answer your question?
Yes, but I have another question. Are two cats enough cats?
What is the optimum number of cats for happiness?
Four…teen. Fourteen. That’s enough to roll around in.
What happens when you go over that number?
You get coronavirus.
Why don’t you have the magic number of cats?
Because my landlord is fucked. He only allows 1 cat. So, 1 cat is currently an illegal.
So, you accept that you’re in a relationship with two cats. What are their names?
Lottie and Pootang.
Haha. Do you have a favourite?
I have to type/say this very quietly as they know what I’m doing/can hear what I’m saying. Yes it’s Lottie.
Do the cats know their love ranking?
Yes. Now they do. Thanks to you. They saw me/heard me type/say the previous answer. Thanks a lot. Now I’m fucked. If I don’t come out of this pandemic alive you’ll know it’s not because of the virus.
How do they handle it emotionally?
Well Pootang just shat on my bed.
Aren’t you writing a TV show about cats?
Yes. Crazy cat people. It’s absurdist and takes being crazy due to cats in a wholly different direction than the stereotype which is me, really. It’s like a mix between Little Britain and Red Dwarf, except it’s not in space and it’s not in Britain. And the characters are completely different.
Are these based on people you know?
Yes, people that have lived in my head for a while now.
Is this a love letter to crazy cat people?
No, there is no such thing as crazy cat people. People who have cats are some of the sanest people I’ve ever met. I’m quite offended by this question.
Would you consider yourself a crazy cat lady?
I’m crazy but not because of cats. I’m crazy because of people.
Do you talk to your cats?
Yes. I tell them all my problems. They don’t give a fuck.
When you talk to your cats, do you respond for them?
Yes. I pretend they care.
When you respond for them, do you give them their own voice or accent?
I talk in this weird high voice. And I say everything twice in case they didn’t hear the first time. Which is weird cause they have very good hearing. They can hear me sneak up on them even when there’s a Airbus300 flying overhead. I think I’m just desperate for the attention. It’s like doing comedy in a way. I mean why don’t I just get a damn dog if I want constant attention? Because, that’s too easy that’s why. Plus, who wants the attention of a sycophant anyway?
When your cats tell you things, is it mostly: a) requests b) complaints or c) gossip?
Demands mostly. For food. Or for me to leave them alone. Or something that is other worldly that my human brain cannot begin to fathom.
Did you consider taking your cats to see the movie Cats?
What to see people dressed as cats? I wouldn’t dare. It’s quite distressing to think about. I mean would you go to see a movie or stage show with cats dressed as humans? Don’t answer that.
What do you think their review would be?
0 stars. Totally fucked. As a cat this is very offensive. It’s akin to blackface. I would eat the eyes out of all the cast members if I could.
Do 2 cats = 1 kid?
Again, very offensive question Sam. You’re inferring that cats are inferior to kids. We all know this is a total crap. I mean can kids do what cats do? Can they lick their own arse clean? Can they bury their own shit? No.
Also, did you know an average domestic cat can run at 36km per hour? That’s faster than Usain Bolt. And they don’t even need a warm up. They just go straight from sound asleep to winning an Olympic Gold. No training, no diet, no nothing. I’d race Pootang (whose 15 btw) against Bolt any day. She’d smash his arse. Beat a cat Usain, then I may take you seriously.
So, if cat quarantine becomes a thing, how will your cats cope?
They will sleep and wake up in 6 months for a quick check. If we are still in quarantine, they will go back to sleep. Then 1 of them may kill me (see previous answer).
Are they inside cats, inside/outside cats or outside cats?
Before I moved here, they used to be inside/outside cats. Now they’re inside only.
What were your inside/outside rules for the cats?
They could go out in the morning and have to be in by midnight otherwise they’d be fed pumpkin for breakfast.
How did you get the cats to go from outside cat phase to inside cat phase?
I would curfew them at night, so when they were outside I’d shake their biscuit tin so they knew they were going to get curfew biscuits. That was the way I’d get them inside.
What would you do when they didn’t come back?
I’d walk around the neighbourhood desperately shaking the tin calling “Pootang, Lottie!”. It never really worked. Generally I’d just have to wait it out til they decided it was time to come in.
How did you manage to convince them to become inside only cats?
I trapped them and they had to live with it. I was certainly not the salmon flavor of that month.
Why do you think cat videos are so popular?
Because there are a lot of people out there fascinated by these superior beings.
Why are cats funnier than dogs?
Because cats are really agile and get up to a heap of shit. They’re just so “I don’t give a shit”. I love it.
What’s your favourite type of cat videos?
This one is really old but I love the music and repetitive attacks on the baby. I just flows so well.
Why do you think you like cats hitting babies so much?
I think because babies are so revered in society and cats have this bad rep. I feel like it’s a great revenge for cats to smack babies.
Could we have some of your favourite cat videos that aren’t related to killing babies?
I love a good dramatic cat. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKvNAXMn9mA
This cat’s face when it escapes is priceless. Especially good in slow motion. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qlddHJ929g
This cat is after my heart. Pure evil. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4anpxoHkPI
Dogs are pussies. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7znI_Kpzbs
Have you ever seen your cats get scared of cucumbers?
I tried this with Lottie but didn’t have a cucumber, only a zucchini. She looked bored by me for even trying.
Anything else about cats we should know?
A cat will not let you wrap it in a towel to give it pills. You must do this with careful planning over the course of a month. Employ helpers, get ready treats and distractions. Or, just give them some kitty valium first.
If you were president of the cat olympics, what three sports would you include?
The High Leg – the cat that gets it’s leg up the highest when lick its own arse clean. The Saddest Meow – the cat that feigns the most sadness when meowing for dinner. The Best Placed Revenge Shit – no explanation needed.
You’re a great comedian yet you have zero online presence. Do you want me to promote anything for you?
Yes the Cat Protection Society in Enmore. It’s a no-kill shelter. I rang them up once when one of my cats was really angry at me. Turns out they don’t offer protection from cats.