“Artists… Attention seeking … victims” Luke Heggie

When it comes to stand up, Luke Heggie is a purist. He’s pound for pound one of the best joke writers to come out of Australia and his output is relentless. (Check his youtube channel) He’s also authentic and unapologetic, a rarity even in the stand up world. But, being a great live comedian is a problem when you can’t perform and are trapped at home with your offspring. So, we decided to check in and see if he’s killed them yet.

Who are you?

Luke Heggie

Where are you quarantined?

My apartment. It’s small. I’ve built some shit recently, like a little classroom in the lounge room.

How are you spending your time?

I’m labouring. It’s hard, but I’ve never been on the dole and I’d rather not.

Do you miss stand up?

Yeah. It’s only been a couple of weeks, but that’s the longest I’ve had off in ten years. But, I’m not the narcissistic type of comedian who needs people to look at him all the time, so I’m coping fine with the peace from that side of life for now.

How’s managing life at home with your eleven children?

Fucked. We pulled them out of school a week before the school got shut, and I was contemplating bringing violence back to the classroom. Now, they do stuff on computers with teachers, but it’s not all day. As soon as I’m home from work, we go to the park and run the dog, away from other people. Then I do stuff with them until bedtime. No time to write or read, really.

How have the kids been coping with this mess?

They’re all right. Ask me in a couple of months. Kids aren’t that well suited to being inside all day. I see online types whining about being bored. I want to punch them.

How do you think quarantine will affect people’s marriages?

Badly. 24 hours a day is too much for anyone.

What are your thoughts on video call hangouts? (It’s all the craze right now)

Not my bag of chips. If someone wants to talk to me, they can call, one at a time. I’m not doing a twos up.

What do you imagine tradies’ think about Coronavirus?

They don’t really give a shit, within reason. People are going to stop renovating their houses pretty soon though, so I’ll be sacked from that, probably before this goes to print.

Who’s your least favourite type of person in this new world?

Artists, reduced to begging online. Attention-seeking fucking victims the lot of them. The arts was the first thing to go for a good reason.

How do you do your part in “flattening the curve”?” 

I’m gobsmacked comedians haven’t been called upon to fix this situation, like we did with the bush fires. Personally, I’m staying well away from anyone I don’t live with. Staying healthy and clean et cetera. Standard really.

Do you think it’s immoral to get excited when politicians get CV?

No. I don’t care much for morals of that ilk. A punter’s excitement isn’t going to change whether or not some bastard dies. It’s a difficult time for all of us. You’ve got to enjoy other people’s misery somehow.

What’s your prediction for what will happen for the rest of 2020?

The Aussie spirit will shine through. Battlers have always banded together in times of turmoil and looked out for each other. It’s the way of the ANZACS et al. Having said that, I’ve just made a new shanghai, and if some cunt comes anywhere near my front lawn, they’ll earn themselves a ball bearing in the face at speed.

I just wanted to let you know that today a cat in Belgium got Coronavirus. Do you own a feline?

No. I hate cats. Fuck ’em.

With “artists” stuck at home making online content, is COVID-19 our creative renaissance? 

I hope not. Needy fucks I’ve seen pumping out any old tripe to stay in the spotlight. I don’t really go for online. Live stand up is the only thing I have managed to do with mild success. I’ll just wait til we’re back doing gigs.

Luke has released a new comedy special via his website. We were at the live taping and it was fucking amazing. His Youtube channel has loads of stand up clips too.

Get his comedy special here

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