Quarantine Dating 101

Dating is hard. It just got a whole lot harder. You know what kills romance? Viral pandemics. It’s tough to imagine a future together when you can’t even imagine a future. Remember when coughing didn’t eliminate you from the dating pool. Remember when you could go on a date without checking someone’s temperature and travel history. Now, you can’t kiss unless there’s bullet proof glass dividing you like a prison visit. You can still have sex, just make sure you stay at least two metres away while you stimulate each other with a broom. Remember when we used to say “did you bring a condom?”. Now, it’s: “did you bring a latex hazmat suit” AKA hazdom. 

The bad news for online dating is the media have instilled a fear of strangers. Tinder, Hinge and Bumble only introduce you to strangers. App dating is just too casual to risk getting sick over. App dating in it’s glory days was like this: 60% chance you’ll hate them, 30% chance you wont see them again and 10% chance they’ll give you Chlamydia. Now, add 100% chance I’m worried they have Coronavirus. Also, do you want to meet up with someone who’s not worried about Coronavirus? They’re the most risky. 

So, if we can’t meet up, what can we do? Phone and video call dates. It’s safe, easy and you have a full proof exit plan, hang up. Phone calls trump video calls because video calls are a bad move. You’ve been at home for 2 weeks, barely seen sunlight and binge watched the B side of Netflix. You look like a cyber prisoner and your date looks like they’ve been hiding in the attic. Romeo and Juliet? How about Julian Assange and Anne Frank. You know what destroys connection? Two strangers seeing themselves on a video call after 2 weeks of isolation, not even listening, just staring at themselves going “farkkkk, I look Tom Hanks from Cast Away or now.”

A phone call is a bad idea, too. The last time you spoke with someone was your mum 3 days ago. You don’t even remember how to string words together. It’s just going to be the muffled awkward mumblings of two desperate recluses trying to avoid talking about their new hobbies of video games, netflix, Coronavirus news and porn. I think porn is the answer until our internet cuts out and sexual frustration turns us into zombies. 

Online dating has changed and people will adapt. It used to be, “hey, let’s get dinner and if it goes well, come back to mine for the night”. Soon, it will become, “hey, let’s text for weeks and if it goes well, come back to mine for 6 months.” What’s considered sexy has changed. Tinder photos are all wrong. A fireman holding a puppy used to be chick crack now it aint nothing on a couch potato holding twenty cans of tuna. “Show me your body? Nah, show me your pantry.” I don’t care that you play for the Swans, do you own a ventilator and a year’s supply of TimTams? The top tier of tinder used to be models, athletes and celebrities. Now, it’s doomsday preppers, germaphobes and hoarders. The guy in the photo holding an AK outside a cave packed with spam cans and lube now equals Brad Pitt. The rules have changed. What will you do? Saying that, doctors and nurses are sexier than ever. 

By Sam Kissajukian (Doomsday Prepper)

Sam has released a Youtube series of Interviews and Adventures in Berlin.