Andrew is a Sydney/Perth comedian who had his show cancelled at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival days before it was about to start. All his gigs have been canned and he’s trapped in isolation. So, we decided to check in and see how he’s doing.
Who are you?
Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it’s a huge lie. Growing up people told me “just be yourself” – it’s been pretty much downhill from there. I’m now just a mirror held up to people’s faces reflecting back whatever they want to see.
Where are you quarantined?
I am quarantine. I was born in the dark, moulded by it. I didn’t see the light until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but blinding.
For how many days?
However long Bane was down there, who I’m currently quoting.
How are you spending your time?
Playing a lot of video games, currently trying to complete one online, think it’s called Xhamster.com.
What’s been the hardest thing to adjust to?
Nothing. It’s been business as usual. I now just have to make a lot fewer excuses to get out of social commitments.
How has this affected you doing comedy?
There’s no longer comedy. Comedy is now just tooting from cars at strangers, yelling “Coronavirus!” or occasionally going into the public toilet cubicles and screaming “BE GONE DEMON! BE GONE!!!” until people run out.
You were doing a show at MICF, how did that all go down?
It went down quicker than a stripper chasing a pineapple from a drunk businessman. I pretended I was upset by the collapse but actually it came as a huge relief. When I first heard the news I pulled over my car and fist-pumped until my hands bled.
What are you going to do now?
I’m going to gather up my worldly possessions, get a good seat and watch the world burn. This the world’s greatest Sky Show but the soundtrack is the sound of people screaming.
Thoughts on streaming stand up from home?
“Live stream your comedy mate” – just in case the world isn’t already sad enough. Look, to be honest, I was going to upload some standup..but there has been a problem with the sound on the recording? The crowd is very quiet?
What’s your prediction for what will happen for the rest of 2020 in Australia?
I believe capitalism will collapse under its own weight. People are trying to shut down to flatten the curve, but Corona is endemic. They also don’t seem capable of making the connection that healthcare is funded by the economy. Shortly, the government will no longer be able to fund via debt, as the whole world screeches to a halt and becomes bankrupt. Hospitals will be privatized and become only available to the very rich. The rest of us will end up holed up in shacks trying to keep Nan alive with Lemsip and backrubs. In the final chapter, the Chinese will white knight all the failed businesses, cherry-picking from the scorched corpse of the west. This will secure their fate as supreme rulers of the free world, possibly the point of this entire outbreak? I SMELL A CONSPIRACY THEORY. No new deaths in China? Virus completely stemmed? SAY WHAT? Anyway, I hope you speak Mandarin.
How many rolls of toilet paper do you own?
I wipe my arse on freshly mowed lawns like a dog
What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the news about how people are acting in response to the virus?
Deluded housewives thinking they are finally going to write that great novel during their time off. So many posts that Shakespeare wrote King Lear during the plague but he also wrote: Macbeth, Hamlet, Romeo & Juliet etc at other times in his life. Turns out he was just a good writer Cheryl, so maybe just focus on writing a thorough shopping list for your stupid little nest, and making sure your dogs are fed.
What’s a weird/funny situation you’ve encountered in your life due to the virus?
Old people. Old people are always funny to me. Nothing to do with the virus, they are just like funny cartoon characters. I like watching them bumble around, like time travelers from another time and place – banging into electrical equipment, not really sure what’s even going on or where they even are. It’s like watching a real-life version of Encino Man.
Have you seen anything positive come from the virus?
Yes. Lots of do-gooders about to get schooled in basic economics.
Have you written any new jokes since being quarantined? What was one of them about?
Unfortunately, Corona is already hack. Everything is now hack, even hack is hack. Living is hack. Speaking is hack. True humour now only comes in the form of shapes and sounds. The wind is probably the best comic alive at the moment. I want the wind to be on Netflix and live tour once this corona shit has settled down.
Do you think it’s a good time to quit stand up and become a video game twitch streamer or a cam girl?
Your best bet is to do depraved and ungodly acts for small niche groups on the internet. I’m currently in discussions with a group of incels to cut my dick off, put it in a jar and send it to the government for a 4 figure payment. The project is called “Manette.” please look it up and subscribe to their Patreon.
Follow Andrew on instagram and twitter, it’s non stop entertainment: